4. My Path

Sorry - no pictures today! Too lazy.
Anywho, the exercise today was to ponder over our path. What made us start it? What obstacles have we come across? What's our hopes and our fears about exploring this. The book is based on Wicca, but I just changed "Wicca" into "Pagan" and it worked just the same =)
I debated on making a blog post on this day because some parts I feel like I'm repeating myself, but it never hurts to expand on things a bit.
I'm exploring this path, simply put, because it's the only thing that I can sink into. I tried to be Christian, mostly because of my grandparents, and it never felt good - I knew I was faking. I also looked into religions under the Pagan umbrella, and one specific path - such as Wicca - never fit either. I even went to Atheism at a particularly cynical point in my life (not saying that being cynical equates to Atheism or vice versa) but I could never get rid of the nagging feeling that, no matter how pissed off I was at Christianity, that my true belief is that there is a divine - just not the one I had been taught.
My hopes for this program, and my path, is to become more knowledgeable and in tune about the divine, with the world around me, and with myself. I've always been quite intuitive and can read people easily - sometimes too easily to the point of alienating them because I sometimes just can't keep my mouth shut - but there's always room for improvement. I wish to know how to focus my intuition and energy, how to really get the most out of it - not just for myself but for other people, I want to help to the best of my ability.
My biggest fear in this path is losing my grandparents. They know I'm no longer Christian, though they refuse to believe it, but I still have yet to have that discussion with them on what I truly believe. I know how they feel about the subject and I know that, without a doubt, they would disown me if they knew. I rarely see or talk to them because they don't live near me, and when I do talk to them I don't want to ruin the moment because I know it would lead to a heartbreaking argument. I know that the day is coming, but I'm just not ready for it - not yet.
When it comes to my other family, I couldn't care less what they think as I'm not close to any of them. My mother and sister know and are fully accepting - the two of them even asking me questions about what it is that I "do" as my mother is a Catholic and my sister, she's decided for the time being, is an Atheist. The majority of my friends aren't religious, and those that are are very open minded and accept me for who I am as I've had most of my friends for 4+ years. They know who I am, I know who they are - we're good.
When it comes to things in the way of me exploring my spiritual path - the biggest one is school. I am in college but, so far, the activities have not been time consuming and I have balanced the two well. I found out today that I will not have the job I'm working now for next quarter. That is a bit stressful, but I'm not freaking out as I do have a nest egg to fall back on and am looking at promising opportunities as a tutor.
This is the perfect time for me to explore this path. I've been tiptoeing around the edge of this mystical forest for almost half my life, and where there were shadows there are now beams of positive light and the creatures aren't nearly as scary as they were before. I not only want to do this, I need to do this.
Don't dream it, be it.
~N